You know I've had a rough time with transitioning to being alone in a new city, a new school, a new everything. The biggest transition of my life and yet I'm obviously making it work. Have I cried? Have I felt alone and depressed? Have I felt so utterly lost and scared? Yes! The emotional ups and downs have stabilized a bit and now I seem to just have this air of indifference around me. It still doesn't feel "real", yet it feels like I have been here my whole life, but also only here an hour.
What am I finding so difficult? What am I struggling with? When I really think about it, I'm not sure. I'm not really sure if what I am choosing to study is right for me. I hate living on the other residential campus away from the city, that means I'm pretty isolated and it's hard to get to the city since I have to take the shuttle. All the little things about my dorm that just simply suck. They amount to a big mess of things I hate and things I don't want to deal with. I miss my family, my home. I hate having to worry about money. I hate this feeling of the unknown. There is just something not right.
But I was so excited when I got that acceptance email many 6 months ago. When it came I was sick to my stomach and shaking as I opened it with both eyes closed. And then I saw the congratulations. The dream come true. I couldn't breathe, I could only cry and feel like I was flying.
As the reality approached and August 23rd was finally just weeks away, I started to feel so terrified. Everything I would have to handle miles away, completely on my own. Even though I basically lived independently for a while by then, except for a few things. But now everything would be up to me. Everything and my future. If I screwed up, it wouldn't be an easy fix. Everything matters now.
So I'm scared, yes. But why am I pushing everything away? Why does it feel like I am trying to hate it here? I didn't hate it here when I first came down to DC and fell in love with the city and the school. It was my dream school, my dream city. I'm not allowing myself to embrace this new life. I'm not allowing myself to enjoy the changes and grow-up more than I already have. I'm stopping myself for taking in everything I can and experiencing something new and exciting.
There are things I love about this new life.
I love my morning routine of waking up super early, working out, having breakfast, and reading some blogs all before class.
I love getting my daily Starbucks in the city and arriving early to all my classes which I'm all done with super early in the day.
I love Friday's especially. One class at 10am and then everything is perfect. full of possibility.
I actually like going to my classes during the week. I like my weekdays more than the weekends. (The weekends I'm stuck here on my campus, unless I wait hours for the shuttle).
I love the little things.
Having the gym all to myself, lights off, no noise (depending on when I go).
I like getting Whole Foods for dinner once or twice a week.
I like finding random spots in different buildings or outside (when it's warm) to just sit and either write, blog, or just pretend I'm doing something, but really just zoning out and enjoying some peace.
I can tell you my two favorite spots. Kogan Plaza and this back window area with comfy seats on the first floor of Ames Hall.
I like taking a new way to class once in a while for a change of scenery (then freaking out becuase I might get lost and be late).
I love that the package office knows me by name and doesn't even have to ask who I am anymore!
I'm proud of all the accomplishments I have succeeded in since I've been down here. Navigating the Metro, switching classes and finally schools, shopping, doing laundry, and even cleaning the toilet and shower. I even did the unthinkable a went to my first studio yoga class on Saturday morning. I'm happy that I've been able to balance the 4 pillars of my life. School, blogging, safely eating, and fitness.
I do love things here in this new life, in this new place. Not everything. I could do without the first-world-problems of having your cable box ripped out and then having the whole university refuse to fix it with a piece of simple Velcro. In all seriousness, I could do without the feeling of just drifting through. I want a plan and a goal and right now I don't have that. In the meantime though, I need o just embrace the situation I'm in and the changes that are taking place. I need to allow myself to enjoy this moment in my life and what it potentially has to offer. I'm the only one (again, the only one) who can make me either enjoy the process and really embrace the good, or cry and feel sad while pushing everything away. I'm just scared. i don't like change and right now I am refusing to embrace any of it. So I am going to change that. I am going to embrace everything around me and make the most of this opportunity. It's what I had dreamt if just those short 6 months ago. My dream school and my dream city are in my hands (a Vex ride away), but right here in front of me, waiting for me to take hold and go.
So tell me:
+ Nothing specific today.... Just thinking out loud.
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