You know I’ve had a rough time with transitioning to being alone in a new city, a new school, a new everything. The biggest transition of my life and yet I’m obviously making it work. Have I cried? Have I felt alone and depressed? Have I felt so utterly lost and scared? Yes! The emotional ups and downs have stabilized a bit and now I seem to just have this air of indifference around me. It still doesn’t feel “real”, yet it feels like I have been here my whole life, but also only here an hour.
What am I finding so difficult? What am I struggling with? When I really think about it, I’m not sure. I’m not really sure if what I am choosing to study is right for me. I hate living on the other residential campus away from the city, that means I’m pretty isolated and it’s hard to get to the city since I have to take the shuttle. All the little things about my dorm that just simply suck. They amount to a big mess of things I hate and things I don’t want to deal with. I miss my family, my home. I hate having to worry about money. I hate this feeling of the unknown. There is just something not right.
But I was so excited when I got that acceptance email many 6 months ago. When it came I was sick to my stomach and shaking as I opened it with both eyes closed. And then I saw the congratulations. The dream come true. I couldn’t breathe, I could only cry and feel like I was flying.
As the reality approached and August 23rd was finally just weeks away, I started to feel so terrified. Everything I would have to handle miles away, completely on my own. Even though I basically lived independently for a while by then, except for a few things. But now everything would be up to me. Everything and my future. If I screwed up, it wouldn’t be an easy fix. Everything matters now.
So I’m scared, yes. But why am I pushing everything away? Why does it feel like I am trying to hate it here? I didn’t hate it here when I first came down to DC and fell in love with the city and the school. It was my dream school, my dream city. I’m not allowing myself to embrace this new life. I’m not allowing myself to enjoy the changes and grow-up more than I already have. I’m stopping myself for taking in everything I can and experiencing something new and exciting.
There are things I love about this new life.
I love my morning routine of waking up super early, working out, having breakfast, and reading some blogs all before class.
I love getting my daily Starbucks in the city and arriving early to all my classes which I’m all done with super early in the day.
I love Friday’s especially. One class at 10am and then everything is perfect. full of possibility.
I actually like going to my classes during the week. I like my weekdays more than the weekends. (The weekends I’m stuck here on my campus, unless I wait hours for the shuttle).
I love the little things.
Having the gym all to myself, lights off, no noise (depending on when I go).
I like getting Whole Foods for dinner once or twice a week.
I like finding random spots in different buildings or outside (when it’s warm) to just sit and either write, blog, or just pretend I’m doing something, but really just zoning out and enjoying some peace.
I can tell you my two favorite spots. Kogan Plaza and this back window area with comfy seats on the first floor of Ames Hall.
I like taking a new way to class once in a while for a change of scenery (then freaking out becuase I might get lost and be late).
I love that the package office knows me by name and doesn’t even have to ask who I am anymore!
I’m proud of all the accomplishments I have succeeded in since I’ve been down here. Navigating the Metro, switching classes and finally schools, shopping, doing laundry, and even cleaning the toilet and shower. I even did the unthinkable a went to my first studio yoga class on Saturday morning. I’m happy that I’ve been able to balance the 4 pillars of my life. School, blogging, safely eating, and fitness.
I do love things here in this new life, in this new place. Not everything. I could do without the first-world-problems of having your cable box ripped out and then having the whole university refuse to fix it with a piece of simple Velcro. In all seriousness, I could do without the feeling of just drifting through. I want a plan and a goal and right now I don’t have that. In the meantime though, I need o just embrace the situation I’m in and the changes that are taking place. I need to allow myself to enjoy this moment in my life and what it potentially has to offer. I’m the only one (again, the only one) who can make me either enjoy the process and really embrace the good, or cry and feel sad while pushing everything away. I’m just scared. i don’t like change and right now I am refusing to embrace any of it. So I am going to change that. I am going to embrace everything around me and make the most of this opportunity. It’s what I had dreamt if just those short 6 months ago. My dream school and my dream city are in my hands (a Vex ride away), but right here in front of me, waiting for me to take hold and go.
So tell me:
+ Nothing specific today…. Just thinking out loud.
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kimmythevegan says
October 18, 2014 at 8:04 pmThis is a beautiful post Rebecca. Change is hard and it kind of sucks. It’s nice to be with familiar things and people, it’s easier. You’ve overcome a lot and are already realising how great things are for you even if they are scary.
I love your attitude and that you are able to easily find so many positives. I had a very rough time for most of my university life as I couldn’t really accept the changes, it sounds like you are doing pretty well =)
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine says
October 18, 2014 at 8:15 pmThanks Kimmy!
Chaya Serum says
October 7, 2014 at 7:07 amYou are a very capable person!
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine says
October 7, 2014 at 9:31 amThanks!
Linda Blatchford says
October 5, 2014 at 6:45 pmGood for you for facing your good and so-so feelings. Seemed like you got this one figured out slowly. Good for you!
Keep up the good work.
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine says
October 5, 2014 at 6:55 pmVery very slowly. Thanks Linda 🙂
Dagmara-GlamistaHome says
October 4, 2014 at 10:07 amFacing changes and the unknown can be a little daunting sometimes. It can be hard to move away from home to a new place where you don’t know anyone and don’t know the city. DC and the surrounding areas houses many expats from a variety of states in the US, I am sure you will be meeting new people and fining new friends. In no time, you will be finished with school, you will look back at the experience and remember it as one of the most vital parts of your journey. Enjoy every moment of it!
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine says
October 4, 2014 at 10:25 amThanks for the support. But there is a long long long road ahead and it seems so daunting!
Amanda @ .running with spoons. says
October 2, 2014 at 9:42 amI think that any kind of major life changes require a bit of an adjustment phase, so try not to be too hard on yourself for not loving everything about your new situation. It’ll take time, but you’ll eventually fall into your own groove, make new friends, form a new routine, and have things fall into place like they did before. Just trust yourself and KNOW that no matter what happens, you’ll be just fine.
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine says
October 2, 2014 at 9:55 amThanks Amanda. I have finally gotten a new routine down, maybe slowly everything else will come together, but there are always going to be those big difficulties and hurdles everyday here on my own.
Julie Bagamary says
October 2, 2014 at 7:20 amHow courageous for you to explore your true feelings instead of ignore them. Change IS hard but often SO worth it when we choose to keep moving forward and push out the thoughts of fear and believe truth.
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine says
October 2, 2014 at 7:27 amWell I’m trying, but I don’t really think I have. I’m just writing this to encourage it more. I know my true feelings, but I’m having a rough time.
Tiffany @daydreamingrealist says
October 1, 2014 at 11:11 pmI can really relate to this post and I’m not in college right now. This is a common feeling during change/transitions (in my experience). I hope you feel “at home” soon and continue to find reasons to enjoy your city and school. Thank goodness for all of the digital connections we have now 🙂
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine says
October 2, 2014 at 12:59 amThanks Tiffany and I’m glad you could relate! I hope so too and that is one of the great thing about technology even though I hate it most of the time! 😉
Jennifer @nourishedsimply says
October 1, 2014 at 8:37 pmMy first year in college was lonely. I went to a big school and knew two people. I almost didn’t go back. Glad I did. My second year I met my know husband. Enjoy your time there.
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine says
October 2, 2014 at 12:56 amWell good thing! My school is preety big to and has a rather strange social culture (I think), so really finding people is weird.
Michelle @ Vitamin Sunshine says
October 1, 2014 at 7:00 pmI’m so glad to see you write about all the things that are going right! Moving to a new place is always a big transition. Thing you miss, but also things you love. I’ve moved a lot since I was 17 and left home– and some places I’ve liked more than other. Some have been easier to adjust to than others. But, I can tell you, it’s never until the 2 year mark that the place finally starts to feel normal, because you need time to create relationships. It’s the people who will make it feel like home.
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine says
October 1, 2014 at 7:04 pm2 Years is a long long time 😉 I hope it does get easier as the time goes, which I think it will. But missing home will never get “easier”!
Kristen says
September 30, 2014 at 9:21 pmOh god, I totally get this post right now! I just moved out of Seward AK and all of my stuff is waiting in a storage unit to be moved into a new apartment in Anchorage in 1 week. I’m currently at home in Philly visiting my family. So at the moment I have no home. If you saw my post from today you’ll see that I’m feeling the same way you are and I’m just a total crying mess whenever I think about leaving Philly again! It’s like we were so excited to move somewhere new, somewhere that was a total dream to us, and now we’re a mess about it and second guessing stuff. I honestly think that people are just meant to always have sentimental feelings towards home and we don’t remember how tough it was to live there. I love that you made a list of things that you like in DC, that’s definitely important for starting to embrace your new home. I have to tell you that my first semester of college was a lonely and difficult time so I know how you feel, but it will get better once you settle in. For the record, I love DC and I’m totally jealous you’re there! I hope things start being awesome!
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine says
October 1, 2014 at 1:28 amWe need to have a “missing home” pity party. We can both do it though! We’re both smart women and we know that this is an adventure and if/when we make it we will be that Much happier and stronger! Xoxoxoxoxoxo
Natalie says
September 30, 2014 at 7:22 pmI have such a hard time adjusting to new things as well, even when I’m really excited about them. I remember right after I had my daughter, I felt so overwhelmed. My husband told me, “Just be patient. Eventually, your new normal will just turn into normal.” It sounds like you’re in the process, too! Figuring out how to navigate the new normal is hard, but you’ve got a great start. College isn’t ever easy, especially that first year!
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine says
September 30, 2014 at 7:41 pmYour totally right Natalie! It will become the “normal” eventually! (It has only been a month!)
Michele @ paleorunningmomma says
September 30, 2014 at 7:06 pmCollege is a hard time in my opinion. It’s a huge time of growth, and growing often hurts (or always!) I think it’s great that you’re blogging and writing about your feelings. Don’t be hard on yourself about not loving everything right now. Try to take the pressure off because it will only make you feel anxious. Whatever happens, you will take care of yourself and be okay! And it’s fine to make mistakes. Believe me, college is the time for that!
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine says
September 30, 2014 at 7:40 pmThanks Michele. I feel like I’m putting the wrong pressures on myself and not focusing on the important stuff like my actual studies. I think I still have the high school mindset there.
Heather O'Neill says
September 30, 2014 at 5:02 pmYou’ve done the hardest part and gotten there! You’re doing it all the right way, by finding the little things to enjoy. Don’t give up…you’re on your way to fully embracing it! One day you’ll look back and laugh about ever feeling that way because it will just start to feel like another home! 🙂 Good luck!
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine says
September 30, 2014 at 5:18 pmThanks Heather! I know that happens with most everything. We look back and are like, WOW, if only we had known then that we would make it though!
Kristy @ Southern In-Law says
September 30, 2014 at 4:45 pmSo proud of you for embracing everything, girl! Life will only get better from here!!
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine says
September 30, 2014 at 5:18 pmWell “trying” to embrace it, haha! But I am starting!
Nicky says
September 30, 2014 at 3:18 pmThe first step is always the hardest. I love DC too because there is so much possibility. I hope you’ll give it time and things will improve. Just hang in there. 🙂
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine says
September 30, 2014 at 3:35 pmDC is an amazing city! I hope I get to become a larger part of it too!
Stephanie says
September 30, 2014 at 2:02 pmChange is vital for growing and discovering who you really are deep down. Good luck with your new adventure!
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine says
September 30, 2014 at 2:34 pmThanks for the good luck Stephanie.
Rachel says
September 30, 2014 at 1:35 pmI think that you’re experiencing a totally normal reaction to being alone in a new city. I think it’s wonderful that you took the time to make notes of the things you do love, good luck!
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine says
September 30, 2014 at 2:31 pmIt did help writing this post up and assessing everything!
Nikki Vergakes says
September 30, 2014 at 1:20 pmIt’s all normal. You’ll adjust. you live in a beautiful city and should be proud for all you’ve done and overcome!
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine says
September 30, 2014 at 2:27 pmIt’s not so much about adjusting anymore more. It’s about accepting and being “okay” with change.
Cynthia @ You Signed Up For WHAT?! says
September 30, 2014 at 1:18 pmChange is hard – especially such a big, huge life change. I love that you are going to try to embrace it, but also go easy on yourself. It’s okay to hate it, it’s okay to feel out of sorts about it. But pushing through will make you a stronger person for this life experience. Then you can reassess at some point. I’m impressed you are sticking it out and trying to embrace!
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine says
September 30, 2014 at 2:23 pmThanks Cynthia! I like that you said it’s okay to hate it, but to also give it time and reassess!
Aimee says
September 30, 2014 at 12:42 pmMy degree in college was in Sports Management – I changed over from my initial degree of sports medicine, because I LOVED the people I worked with at the Campus Recreation center. Campus Rec people – more than 20 years later, are still the best friends I have in this world. I encourage you to not just go to the group ex classes, but inquire about teaching a class or helping to put on wellness programs – heck maybe you could lead a class on dorm room cooking 🙂 Campus Recreation got me into Grad School in Higher Education Student Services – I LOVE working with college aged men and women and helping them make the most of their college experience, so sorry if I am an old lady and know I sound like a mom right now but “you get out of it what you put into it”. Throw yourself into campus life and you’ll love the campus so much more!
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine says
September 30, 2014 at 12:52 pmHm, yes, I should look into that more, but of course that requires more work and more change…but maybe…
Erin @ Her Heartland Soul says
September 30, 2014 at 12:16 pmI truly believe we chose our happiness in life. Way to go on focusing on the positive. 🙂
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine says
September 30, 2014 at 12:25 pmI’m not there yet…but maybe with time. I’ve never been one to focus on the positive, so this is really and truly difficult.
Emma @em-poweredwellness says
September 30, 2014 at 11:30 amChange is really hard. I’m in the opposite situation–moving back home after 4 years of college living, and it’s been tough. But like you, I try to remind myself to focus on all the positives because that’s what is important!
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine says
September 30, 2014 at 12:24 pmAnd life is always going to be difficult because there is always going to be change. But it is how we learn to adapt and accept that change that will dictate if we make it a success or not.
Lisa @ Healthy Nibbles & Bits says
September 30, 2014 at 11:17 amI know it’s easy to feel a bit lost in a new place. That’s how I felt the first few weeks of college, too! Just hang in there! You’ll find your niche soon!
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine says
September 30, 2014 at 12:20 pmIt’s just getting myself to feel “right”, to know that this is a good thing.
Jessica says
September 30, 2014 at 11:08 amI could totally relate to all of your feelings when I started college, too, but it sounds like you’re focusing on the positives now, which is great! It will get easier as long as you focus on the positive little things even though it’s so easy to focus on what seems like the big scary things. Hang in there!
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine says
September 30, 2014 at 12:19 pmThanks Jessica. That is what I;m trying to do, but it still ebbs and flows with the days :/
Megan @ Fiterature says
September 30, 2014 at 10:22 amIt is when we are most uncomfortable that we grow the most. Embrace this time of uncertainty and change – you are learning SO much about yourself!
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine says
September 30, 2014 at 12:12 pmI just have to WANT to learn and grow even in the face of all these challenges!
Cassie @ Almost Getting It Together says
September 30, 2014 at 10:05 amI feel like I totally related to this my freshman year of college. I hated it so much I wanted to transfer! But you know what? With time it got easier and I really ended up loving Morgantown & WVU. Hang in there!
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine says
September 30, 2014 at 11:56 amThanks Cassie. It’s definitely better than it was a few weeks ago!
Pure Grace Farms says
September 30, 2014 at 9:31 amGood for you. You can do this and in a few months you will looking back and smiling at all the changes. Hang in there, it will get easier.
Blessings,
Shari
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine says
September 30, 2014 at 9:35 amI hope so. Thanks Shari!
Miki English says
September 30, 2014 at 9:12 amHang in there, Rebecca!
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine says
September 30, 2014 at 9:19 amHa, thanks Miki 🙂
Amy Jung says
September 30, 2014 at 8:05 amThe new and the unknowns are so hard to embrace. I have found this to be true in all of mine though: though they were painful, they made me stronger and wiser. I also get to know God better through them. Blessings to you as you walk through this season. Linked up next to you at Jen’s UNITE party.
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine says
September 30, 2014 at 8:21 amThey are and that is so true. Thank you Amy 🙂
Emily @My Healthyish Life says
September 30, 2014 at 7:46 amI feel like I would have written this exact same post if I had a blog my freshman year. It was the “little” things that got me through the hard times and I started to find happiness in random moments during the day. It’s hard to not be one of those “omg I love college” type people, because it seems they are everywhere. Trust me, it gets better and you will look back on these days and feel so proud of what you overcame/accomplished. I’m always an email away 🙂
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine says
September 30, 2014 at 7:51 amYea! I’ve got to enjoy the little good things. Like one of my roommates leaving me a surprise protein powder to try on the counter this morning! Haha! (We are always leaving free food for each other to try!).
Thanks my lovely friend! XOXO