One of the hardest things in life is forgiveness. The act all humans have encountered and struggled with the most. The internal conflict of forgiving or letting anger brew. The difficulty of accepting the wrongs, the hurt. Giving forgiveness to others or ourselves, truly is a hard-won predicament. It will never be easy, but it is necessary if we want to find peace once again.
When we're hurt by someone or someone wrongs us, we not only feel it emotionally, by physically. The pain seeps through our veins, our hearts and souls. We literally feel it spread through our body. When it's someone we aren't particularly close with, it brings more anger and hate. We feel rage and want to "get back" at them, hurt them and make them feel as we do. But when it's someone much closer to us, someone we love or have a close relationship with, it brings more emotional pain and sadness.
No matter who hurt us though, it's our job to forgive. Forgiving is not for the other person. Forgiving is not making what they did "okay" or acceptable. Forgiving is for you and you alone. To forgive is to acknowledge the wrong and pain, but having enough strength and respect for yourself to move on from the past and to have the courage to allow yourself to thrive in your future without wasting your energy holding onto resentment.
But to actually do this, it takes a lot of strength and courage. It is so hard and I know it is; there's no way around it. I'm terrible at forgiveness. It's something I wish I could do at times, but I find myself struggling so much. The hurt and pain can be unbearable and we feel the need to resent the other person and never allow them to forget. They don't deserve our forgiveness, but then we hold so much anger and sadness within ourselves that we continue feeling the pain every day.
We are wasting our own precious energy and strength on anger and hate. Our time on this earth is so fleeting, so while we waste our days dwelling on and reliving the pain, we let the hurt and wrong live and become who we are. We are allowing it to define us, and our thoughts and actions. We are giving power to the past and we become a deterrent to our own future.
It's even more of a deterrent when we can't forgive ourselves. We do something we think is wrong or we feel guilt or shame for and then hold it against ourselves, trapping ourselves in our own hate. We become stuck in our own past mistakes, ruminating, we don't allow ourselves to more forward. If we can't even forgive ourselves and find peace within, we will never be able to forgive others. It becomes a perpetual cycle of hurt, pain, hate, and resentment. We don't allow ourselves to grow, but make our lives a living hell. We can't heal. We can't find peace or live in love.
When we have a wrong done to us by someone else, sometimes they genuinely screwed up and they realize it. They hurt too, and they apologize because they want to free themselves from the hate they feel toward that wrong. It's then our job to accept that apology and begin to heal ourselves and hopefully the relationship with that person. But again, forgiveness is hard and accepting an "I'm sorry", can cut to the core. Knowing that they too, realized it was hurtful can make you feel acknowledged, embarrassed, more resentful, or it may open your heart to forgiveness. I know for me, when someone I love apologizes, I get choked up and will probably cry. I feel suffocated. Maybe it's the release of emotion that is finally allowed to happen inside me, making room for forgiveness. It's my mind letting my body release the hurt and start the healing process.
When you have to forgive yourself, you also have to apologize to yourself. How can you possibly do these two difficult tasks at once? Time, patience, and love. You need to give yourself time to think about "why" you feel hurt by yourself or actions, and why it's affecting you so greatly. You need to have patience with the process of healing and path to finding that inner strength and courage. Then you need to realize that the only way to reset that balance of calm and peace, is to love. You are human and you are going to make mistakes and wrongs. Others will make mistakes and wrongs too. And that does not need to create a life of hate and stagnation. You hold the power to realize that you have control of living in a future of love and respect for yourself and your own growth, or allowing yourself to become stagnant and full of anger, hate, and resentment.
We as humans have the choice and the power to overcome the struggle of forgiveness. To not allow wrongs and hurt to dictate our lives, but to accept that it happened and move on. Not because the hurt, pain, or wrong is justified, but because we respect ourselves enough to continue on a path of light, love, peace, and happiness.
So tell me:
+ Do you struggle with forgiveness?
+ I challenge you to forgive someone in your live. Maybe not today, or next week, but soon, to release yourself into peace and love once again.
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Melissa French, The More With Less Mom
I struggle very much with this issue. I am not a forgiving person by nature. Thanks for posting. Hello from Inspire Me Monday at Create with Joy.
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine
Thank you for reading dear!
kimmythevegan
Has anyone ever told you that you are wise beyond your years? I feel like I didn't really figure this out until recently and I'm still working on it. It's life's work I think - it can take a lifetime to really learn to let go of negative feelings. That's more of how I look at it, letting go.
This is a really great post Rebecca - beautifully written.
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine
I think it's all just a big practice and we can never truly become "experts" at it! We have to forgive ourselves for the fact that it will always be hard to do! Haha!
Thank you so much dear friend <3
Create With Joy
Thanks for sharing such an important article with us at Inspire Me Monday at Create With Joy - you are one of our Featured Guests this week (#175!)
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine
Thank you so much!
Christine | Where The Smiles Have Been
You seem very mature for your age and wise beyond your years....this was a very though-provoking post for me. Usually I struggle with forgiveness....once you cross me, I more times than not will write you off. Since having my son though, I'm learning to be kinder, less high-strung, more patient, and more forgiving. It's been a nice change too, especially being easier on myself....but I'll always have some mommy-guilt. 😉 Thank you so much for sharing this with us over at Merry Monday!
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine
I'm sure having a child does have a profound impact on your growth with forgiveness! Thank you so much and I'm glad this post could strike a cord! XOXO
Laura
I have been able to forgive others for some pretty hurtful actions, but it didn't happen without help from God. He helped me get to a point where I could let go of the pain and anger that was preventing me from thriving in my life. I like how you talk about forgiveness of other and forgiveness of self....I have found that forgiving myself is actually the harder thing to do out of the two. I'm certainly getting better at it, though.
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine
Yes, both can be so difficult, I'm glad you found a way to grow and help with your forgiveness!
Clementine Buttercup
Forgiving myself is hardest of all. I set such high standards for myself and when I don't meet these I find it really hard to let go.Meditation is helping me, though. Baby steps!
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine
Everything you accomplish is amazing and beautiful, no matter how small of insignificant you think it is!
All that's Jas
You have such a beautiful and mature soul. Thank you for sharing at Thursday Favorite Things.
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine
Thank you!
Kay @ goaloflosing.com
The struggle is real. Sometimes it's hardest to forgive myself, and I'm just hindering further progress by doing so. Thanks for some good reminders today!
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine
Yes exactly!
Daphne
Good Morning Rebecca, I thoroughly enjoyed reading your post about forgiveness. I really do agree with you. If we hold in the hurt and anger, we destroy ourselves as the hurt and anger taints everything we do and I really believe it changes the person we are. I am not saying forgiveness is easy, and it certainly isn't an instant feeling, I feel initially we are allowed to be hurt and angry by the way we have been treated, but to save ourselves we do have to let the anger go. I recently was hurt very much, someone behaved in a way I never imagined they would. The hurt I felt was tremendous and the anger.... well I didn't know I had that inside of me .... but over time I allowed myself to let go.... and I can honestly say I feel so much better. .
Best wishes
Daphne
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine
That is exactly it, Daphne. Sometimes we just can't even believe what the anger and holding the pain can do to us until we have had time to set it free and reflect back. It can be a crushing, but then enlightening experience! XOXO
Trish
Wow forgiveness. Such a profound word. I am dealing with i right now. Someone I truly hurt me really bad...and I am trying my best to forget her. I want to believe that I have already...but it keeps coming back to me. So, I am not sure if I have not. This is the time when I know I have to let go and let God. Thanks so much for sharing these encouraging words.
Trish
I am so sorry. The above comment does not look at all like what I wrote. It should read someone that I truly love hurt me. And I am trying really hard to forgive her.
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine
Thank you Trish. I hope you find some freedom soon!
Miss Polkadot
Letting go and forgiving - that's a tough one. I agree with you in that we need to [want to] forgive for ourselves. Bottling up the anger and frustration is unhealthy.
However, there was one certain situation where I didn’t intend to forgive somebody [yet] but the person in question assumed I had and didn't see her fault. So we went on as if nothing had happened. Years later now it's not on the forefront of my mind anymore - but deep within I'm still hurt.
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine
That's why you shouldn't have let it fester.
Beverly
You did a wonderful job talking about forgiveness. It is difficult to do but something we should d for ourselves. Thanks for sharing at Wake Up Wednesday.
Bev
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine
Thank you Bav!
Wendy
This is a tough topic to write about, and even tougher to practice! I find forgiving a wrong that has been done to me personally much easier than forgiving a wrong that hurt someone I love. I have also found that, depending on how deep the hurt, sometimes I have to forgive the same person/offense over and over again -- for years! However, the actual act of consciously doing that is effective, and it does work. I'm working on practicing gratitude; I think adding practicing forgiveness is a good thing, too! 🙂
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine
I'm sure many parents feel that way...if someone hurts their child it sure must be difficult to ever forgive that.
I do think it can be an on-going process. We've just got to try to stay open and not let that pain fester within ourselves, but keep pushing it free!
Jazmine
Forgiveness is definitely a struggle for me it's really hard to forgive someone who wronged you but what I've learned that forgiveness isn't for the other person its more for me. Once you decide to forgive someone you can truly move on from what ever it is that's bothering you. I loved this post.
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine
Yup! That's exactly what I said!
Alyssa @ Simply Quinoa
forgiveness is something that me and my boyfriend work on all the time. It's helped make sure our tiffs don't last as long and that we never go to bed angry.
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine
Yea, it's so important to consistently work on with the people we live with and love!
Jamie
There has only been one experience that I have had issues with forgiveness and it involved an adult who was responsible for the care of my child....she didn't pay attention and my child was harmed by someone while in her care. It took me a couple of years to let it go and forgive her. It was a relief when I finally did!
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine
I'm sure that was extremely difficult! I'm also sure that now it does feel good to know you have settled your pain for YOU and can recommit to life!
Clare Speer
Great and difficult topic! You did a great job writing about it... and I find that sometimes we have to keep forgiving over and over and over again... it's a process!
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine
Thank you! I just felt like writing about it and had no idea where it would end up!
It is a never ending process! That's what makes it so hard too!
Michele @ paleorunningmomma
Great topic and I can relate - I had a situation years ago where I was faced with finally needing to find a way to forgive someone for myself, we owe it to ourselves because resentment is all consuming and toxic mentally and physically. It's one of the toughest things though, and so tricky and multilayered.
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine
Ah yes! Multilayered! I really need to work on it. I just shove it under the rug and try to forget, but I need to actually free myself from the wrongs!
lindsay
i think forgiving ourselves is the hardest, but the most important. We live in our skin, we must be friends and kind to it. As hard as our mind and thoughts can be, ya know?
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine
Yea! We are so "close" with ourselves, our relationship. It's just so important and can be so hard because of all the emotions and connections we have with it!
Ashley @ A Lady Goes West
Hi Rebecca! It sounds so easy to write and say, doesn't it? But we all know how hard it is. I tend to hold onto things, so yes, it's hard for me to forgive. But as I get older, I'm getting better at realizing what is important in life -- and grudges -- that's not important. Great post! 🙂
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine
Yes! I think the more experiences we have with pain and forgiveness, the "easier" it gets. But it never will be something done with the flick of the wrist!
rachel
So good! Such a good reminder. Yes, there are times, moments, adn people who I struggle e with forgiving. Yet the issue is really within my OWN heart. I need to let go and let God handle it... rather than grip on to my hurt. Thank you for sharing this.
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine
It can hurt to release the hurt, but eventually it's all we can do to be happy and free again!
Mary@ Brightonyourhealth
Thanks for this healthy reminder about forgiveness. Your words ring true!
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine
Thank you dear!
Aimee
It's funny - when I run, when I'm really pushing myself is when I start to think through forgiving someone for hurting me. People probably think I'm nuts because I cry when I'm working through it. The pain of running, the crying - they are all part of my release.
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine
That's actually really beautiful! I find the same openness and freedom and so much thinking and release when I workout too. Long runs, yoga, even lifting!
Laurel
I wrote about forgiveness through social media on my blog today too! I think when the lovely weather comes around we want to experience new freedom and happiness! <3
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine
O, I'll have to check it out Laurel!
Sam @ PancakeWarriors
I've never been one to hold a grudge, I can honestly say that I've always been one to just shrug things off. I think forgiveness has always been easy for me because of this. I realize I make mistakes, so do others. It is sometimes harder to forgive myself though
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine
I think forgiveness isn't just "shrugging" it off either. We really need to fully feel it and then free any hurt.
Shashi at RunninSrilankan
Awesome post, Rebecca! Forgiveness is definitely more for the one doing the forgiving than the one on the receiving end as sometimes, specially when it's someone we don't know well - they don;t even know we are mad at them for whatever it might be. Life is too short to let that amount of negativity bread so best to forgive and move on!
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine
It is so much for ourselves. Especially if they don't see it as a wrong or they aren't in your life anymore. We are the only ones with the power then to free ourselves!
Linda @ Veganosity
I'm a lover, not a fighter, I can't stand being angry with people so I tend to forgive quickly, often times without an apology. The problem with that is that I'll have preconceived expectations in regards to behavior, and I put up a wall so I don't get hurt again. That's not good because I'm always expecting certain people to hurt me, even when they're being nice. Forgiveness is one of the most difficult parts of being human.
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine
It is Linda. We do each have our own struggle with parts of it too. It is just such a complicated thing and so many emotions and life experiences dictate how we deal with it.
Rebecca
This is awesome! Thanks for sharing! Forgiveness is really so hard, but by not forgiving others or ourselves we're doing everyone a disservice because holding grudges gnaws away at us. Plus, sometimes we can develop great friendships or relationships with people that we once disliked!
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine
Only good can come out of setting yourself free from hate!
Channing
I definitely struggle with forgiveness! It takes a lot for me to hold a grudge, but when I do ....man I really do! I tend to hold grudges the most towards people who I give the benefit of the doubt and then they take advantage of that!
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine
I hold grudges easily! So for me....I need to allow myself to find a lot of forgiveness. It's really one of my biggest struggles.
Jessica @ Nutritioulicious
What a wonderful post - forgiveness is so hard and I see many people around me who struggle with it, Including myself at times. As you said, holding onto resentment only hurts you in the end.
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine
Thanks Jessica!
Exactly. It only makes the situation worse...for you...if you don't find a way to get back peace within yourself!
Barbara
This was timely. I consider myself Ch.ristian, However, I struggle with forgiveness.
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine
It doesn't matter what we believe. I think it's our human nature to struggle with something so emotional!
Elle Spann
Thank you- I needed this, this morning. You are a blessing!
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine
Thank you for reading, friend! 🙂
sue parke
Great post. Sometimes I have a really hard time forgiving too. But good point that forgiveness is us, to help us move and let go from the anger and pain. It definitely doesnt feel good to hold a grudge.
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine
It doesn't. It just makes the pain worse and traps us in so much anger.